Student Quotes, 2014-2015

Well, I finally sat down to post my students quotes from this past school year, only to realize that I hadn’t posted the gems from the previous school year yet, either. Having kids has destroyed my ability to remember my adult responsibilities. For example, I paid for my new auto registration sticker today, even though the old one expired two months ago. I clearly am not a role model.

Despite that, you still can enjoy this some year-old student quotes, and we’ll get to the rest of them later in the week.

Don’t forget, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Here we go!

Allison: “Hey Brigs, where’s Dover? I put New Hampshire, but I don’t think that’s right.”
Maggie: “It’s in Colorado, I think.”
Me: “No, you’re thinking of Denver.”
(Someone across the room): “It’s the capitol of Delaware.”
Allison: “I already wrote New Hampshire. I’m just going to leave it.”

The yearbook kids were asked to write some practice captions of pictures I provided, including one of some soldiers holding hands and praying over a meal.
Me: “Erin, what’d you write.”
Erin: “I don’t want to share.”
Me: “Come on, everybody else has. It’s your turn.”
Erin: “Okay, but you should know that when I first looked at the picture, I didn’t realize they were soldiers.”
Me: “Okay…”
Erin, face turning red, but smiling: “A group of nerds holds hands as they try to summon the devil.”
(Uproarious laughter ensues).

Charlie: “My parents didn’t let me watch ‘Sesame Street’ when I was little. I guess they thought it would make me stupider or something.”

My buddy Hewitt, the Driver’s Ed instructor, acknowledging a Latina student: “Hello, Vicky.”
Vicky: “Hola, Mr. Hewitt!”
Hewitt: “Good to hear you using the tongue of your ancestors, Vicky.”
Another student: “I thought ‘hola’ was Hawaiian?”

Annabelle’s attention getter for her persuasive essay: “Lucy grew up sitting on a plastic chair in school, while Timmy spent his life with an exercise ball as a chair in school. Lucy ended up with scoliosis, at community college, and ADD while Timmy had a perfect spine, posture and went to Yale.”

From Laura’s essay about why dogs are better than cats: “The only thing cats can hunt is mice I do not think they can smell for drugs and substance. They can’t search and find dead people or they can’t be trained, so it’s real hard not useful if you have a cat that can’t help you.”

From Emily’s paper: “Do we really want to raise our children in a city that quote on quote ‘never sleeps?’”

From Carlton’s paper: “Then you competitive cheer, which is a misnomer. Competitive cheer should be called group acrobatics and synchronized clapping. Yes, acrobatics are a sport, but an acrobat does not run around in mini-skirts and sparkles and yell; they go onto the mat and tumble quietly and then get off. Excessive clapping is not a sport and for that reason cheerleading is not a sport.”

As I’m clearly trying to hold in a sneeze, Annie yells at me to say, “Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple!” Apparently this is a trick that works for some people. I, of course, didn’t hear “pineapple,” and instead confusedly said, “My nipple?”

Marly: “Hey Brigs, is ‘wiseness’ a word?”
Me: “It is, but most people refer to it as ‘wisdom.’”
Marly, laughing with her friends over the flub: “Boy, we’re smart.”
Me: “You’re absolutely loaded with smartness.”

Beau, finishing a good chapter of “Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes”: “Wow, this book is really getting good.”
Me: “Just wait—it gets even better!”
Beau: “Don’t tell me that, because then I’ll have to read, and I hate reading.”

Me: “Did you guys know that George Washington’s teeth weren’t actually made of wood?”
Charlie, oblivious: “I can’t imagine tasting wood in my mouth all day.”

From Andy’s slave narrative: “I was born near the Arkansaw Territory… I know this based on how the states and territories were set up at the time of my infantry.”

Hannah: “I got my speeding ticket over year ago, so I can get another one now!”

After talking a little about Louis Armstrong to introduce our unit on the Harlem Renaissance, Annie asks: “Is he the blind one?”
Me: “No, you’re thinking of Ray Charles.”
Rachel: “Why would a blind guy write a song that starts off, ‘I see skies of blue’”?

Me: “Side note: Charlotte Perkins Gillman actually fought depression and ultimately committed suicide.”
Sammy: “Like, before she wrote ‘The Yellow Wallpaper?’”
Me, sardonically: “No, she wrote the story after she committed suicide, Sammy.”
Sammy, laughing: “No, I meant was she depressed before she wrote the story!”

From Walt’s essay on abortion: “But you might say oh I don’t have any money yah well it’s only 5 bucks for a condom opposed to 2,000 for a baby.”

Robin, talking about someone being misquoted in the school newspaper: “Man, if someone ever did that to me I’d smack him.”
Hewitt: “I thought you said you were done fighting? You told me just yesterday you weren’t going to fight anyone ever again.”
Robin: “It’s not fighting; it’s just me smacking him. It’s only fighting if there’s a back-and-forth.”
Me: “So you’re okay with assault, then? What if he hits you back?”
Robin: “Then I’ll be okay because I can fight back in self-defense.”
Me: “It’s not self-defense if you swung first!”
Hewitt: “Do me a favor Robin, and if you’re ever in court for something, don’t represent yourself. Hire a lawyer.”

Jen: “What’s a misogynist?”
Laura: “It’s someone who, like, massages your back.”

From Salvatore’s cover letter to Stan Lee: “I am interested in the animator position that was posted on Disney’s Disney XD web page. You will note from my resume that I have experience in drawing. I also understand many of the languages that some of your characters speak, such as Batroc and Red Skull.”

From Brianne’s cover letter: “During the American Red Cross Child Care Training they taught us multiple things such as the hemlock maneuver.”

Hewitt, trying to convince Robin to name her cat “Mousecop”: “Haven’t you ever seen Key and Peele?”
Robin: “No… wait, yeah! That show on Nickelodeon?”
Brigs: “No, that’s Keenan and Kel.”

Annie: “What program do I use to Photoshop something?”

From Annie’s Making Your Mark presentation: “And then he got sick and died of yellow disease. Or whatever. Yellow something.”

Me: “The character you made was a white performer at the Cotton Club?”
Sarah: “Yeah, well at first the Cotton Club was run by whites, so she was earlier. Then they started to go black, and, you know…”
Paula: “Never went back.”

Lynn: “Look at this, Mr. Hewitt. Do you like it?”
Hewitt: “That’s a lovely drawing, Lynn. Is that a self-portrait?”
Lynn: “Yup.”
Hewitt: “So it’s you?”
Lynn: “No, It’s a picture I found on the internet.”
Hewitt: “Do you know what self-portrait means, Lynn?”

From a primary sources worksheet: “Based on this description, what was the relationship really like between John Smith and Pocohontas?”

Mika: “There wasn’t really a relationship because as soon as they met she was killed.”
Kelly: “Pocahontas is his daughter.”

From Vanessa’s “Ford vs. Chevrolet” persuasive essay: “Chevrolet produces and sells a wide range of vehicles, from Sudan type automobiles to medium-duty commercial trucks.”

From Frau Meissner, the German teacher:

For a critical thinking journal, I asked, “What is the value of close reading? What does it mean to read closely?”
Student: “I think reading closely means that you are reading with your brain and not your spinal cord.”

From Senora Cahill, the Spanish teacher:

Collin: We got our taxes done this weekend. My mom’s been having a hard time lately, so she wants to get wasted.”
Tia: “What do you mean, like a waste basket?”

Kelly, answering a test question from a story dealing with a doctor’s experiment with water from the fountain of youth: “He wanted to youthenize the old people.”

From an old colleague:

Student: “Can I get some more… ummm… coupons? I can’t say that word.”
Me: “I don’t have any coupons?”
Student: “Croutons? I can’t say the word.”
Me: “You mean Q-tips? It’s the letter Q, then the word ‘tips.’”

Me, to the school librarian, hosting a pizza party: “Sue, pour this girl a Mountain Dew! Or a sarsaparilla!”
Tia, whispering: “Is that alcohol?”

A couple of creative spellings from Sally’s English 3 test:

“Pocohonest” = Pocahontas
“Transigeneralist” = Transcendentalist

“Testes were run and I suffered some minor head trauma.”
-From Lana’s short story entitled “Memories Gone.”

Me, talking to Adam: “Just because we don’t know how something was built does not mean that the default answer is ‘aliens.’”

A response to a fellow English teacher’s journal prompt: “My second dog also grew very old when it died. She was a great dog and had been going strong until she turned 13. Once she turned 13 she began to lose her mind and lost control of her bladder and vowel movements.”

From Dana’s short story:
“So I fell over your gun John, it went off and shot me in the arm,” said Katie.
“I was wondering why you had that bandage on your arm,” said John.
“Yeah. Are you gonna be home for dinner?”

Marcus, who happens to be a prominent member of the football team: “You know what I don’t get about football?”
Me: “How to throw one?”


Head back later this week for the most recent student quotes. As always, it’s sure to be full of gems!


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