Student Quotes, 2013-2014 (Part 2)

Jack’s sentence for the vocabulary word “incessant”: “Miley was incessant about licking sledge hammers.”

Eric: “Did you know that you’ve got a better chance of dying than you do of winning the lottery?”
Me: “We’ve all got a 100% chance of dying, Eric, so yes, I did know that.”

One of our P.E. teachers approaches Jonah, one of his freshman, and asks, “So I see you’re on the golf team. What’s your handicap?”
Jonah, quietly ashamed: “I’m in special ed.”

Jack: “Sycolligy” = Psychology

C.J. was asked to use the word “candid” in a sentence, and this is what he came up with: “You look fat in those jeans. JK.”

From Moses’ short story: “That morning before work Josh went to his friend’s house to see if he wanted to help out. Noah said yes he would help and they could use his garage to plan everything out. He even had a getaway car, a mustang super snake pushing out 600+ horsepower to the back tires. This robbery was getting easier and easier to plan.”

And now, the dramatic conclusion: “Josh rushed to the vault and grabbed as much money as he could with the big bag. It took him 45 seconds to get over 1 million dollars… Josh had the money to help his son and left over money to move into a nice house to settle down in. Noah bought a new car and some properties to make him more money.”

Eric is writing a short story about an asteroid smashing into the Pacific Ocean, but when some soldiers get an order to go help, their response is a little surprising: “Ahh… But Lieutenant,” PFC Johnson responded, “It’s our day off.”

The kids were asked to guess the origin of the phrase “wrong side of the tracks,” but I’m not sure what Steve was doing when he wrote the following origin story for the idiom like this:

“Alex’s mother needs to stop being so uppity. I like my best friend’s girlfriend. She is kind and good-hearted. Just because her dad is a coal-miner instead of a lawyer, she thinks his girlfriend is not good enough. Alex’s mother went as far as calling the police when she came over, for dinner. But one day, Alex’s mom went too far. She invited over Alex’s girlfriend for dinner and told her to dress nice. When she got there, Alex’s mom turned on the sprinkler system but it wasn’t spraying water. It was spraying a mixture of cow pee and green muck. It smelled horrendous. Alex moved out after that, so us three moved in together.”

The freshmen were asked to translate this 1500s book about how to woo, which included a bunch of Shakespearean-era compliments. Here’s how Jack translated them into modern English:

“Your face sticks out. It is hot.”

“Your forehead is nice. I could dance on that forehead.”

“Your breath is amazing. I could put your breath in a jar and sniff it all day.”

C.J. was asked to write a sentence correctly using the vocabulary word “omnivore.” Here’s what he came up with: “Elephant eat dead cow.”

From Miles’ persuasive speech: “The Declaration of Independence says that all people have the right to happiness, but you can’t be happy if you’re dead. At least I don’t think so.”

From Barton’s persuasive speech: “It was the Boston Red Sox that year that was spraying wine all over each other in the locker room, not the St. Louis Cardinals.”

From Jack’s neighborhood narrative essay: “Probably my favorite of all the memories is when my brother hit me in the head with a bat and dented my head.”

From Becky’s: “I remember the time I shot a gun for the first time. I was eight at the time, and my dad realized it was time for me to be hunting myself.”

From the Spanish teacher:

Student: “When does June start?”
Mrs. Cahill: “Look at your month for May and see when it ends.”
Student, five minutes later: “I still don’t know when June starts.”
Mrs. Cahill: “The day after May ends.”

Cahill lets her Spanish students play fish to help teach numbers en Español. Before doing so, a student asks: “When are we playing Gold Fish?”

Student, to German teacher: “Frau, there’s a word I keep hearing in German on the Internet and it sounds so pretty. I think it would make a nice girl’s name.”
Frau: “Really? Which one?”
Student: “Scheiße.”

From a Kelvin short story: “He ran outside, sprinted to Al, pulled him aside out of ear shot and very slowly very seriously said, ‘Bro, we got ninjas.’”

C.J.: “You know, in swimming you actually get more applause if you finish last.”

From Beck’s blog: “Maryland Monroe would be one of my celebrity crushes because she’s attractive and can kick people’s butts at the same time.”

Jack: “Mr. Brigham, what’s that bird called in the story we read?”
Me: “Which story?”
Jack: “’The Scarlet Ibis.’”
Me: “That would be the scarlet ibis, Jack.”

C.J.: “Is Splenda coffee?”

And finally, our dramatic conclusion: this little gem from Walt’s epic final exam essay about common problems people experience while public speaking:

“…Let me, Walter, give you a smell of what I’m cooking. It’s not a pastry treat; it’s a trio of solutions for your speaking ability.”

“Let’s start off with the hardest of to counteract: dehydration and hypothermia… For dehydration, you get an 8oz. bottle of clear H2O. This miracal liquid will usher in a new era of moist mouth, one that will not be forgotten, at least for 12 minutes.”

“Buckle up! We’re going commando on hyperthermia. To counteract this bad dude, you gotta be the dude, and you will be able to do so with Joseph’s oversized, UV-sealing bucket hat. It is also waterproof, so you can use this bad boy for catching rainwater. What can you do with rainwater, you say? I’ll tell you. You drink it!”

“…Before you know it, you’ll be able to tackle your speech with an illegal spear maneuver and be suspended from life for however long your manager deems necessary.”

“Stage fright got its way to the top of stress mountain by being simply evil. Let me tell you the story of stage fright. It was born a hideous abomination of a box, and everyone died when they cast their eyes upon the evil. It was an ordinary box, oh no, it was a box that smelled of brimstone and washed socks, but there came a young lad you wished to be a great speaker. To this, stage fright said, “You fool! You smell of clouds and freshly cut grass. You will never speak to others on stage!” The lad took no heed to the words and soon, he spoke in front of millions of people. Then, stage fright disappeared from the world and was cast into the depths of the underworld, never to be seen again.”

Thanks, as always, for reading, and check back in a year for the next batch! Please feel free to enjoy (or re-enjoy) past years’ student quotes, or read anything else from the ol’ archives. I don’t have time to write for the blog as much as I used to, but the old stuff is still fun (and funny).

Until next year!

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