This will be the final installment of this past school year’s student quotes, so hopefully you’ve enjoyed them as much as you usually do. In case you missed Part 1 or Part 2, click the links to catch up, and if you’re hungry for more of these goodies, just check back in about 11 months.
Here it is, the grand finale of 2012-2013’s student quotes, including a persuasive speech for the ages…
Kelvin, one of my wife’s more eclectic 4th graders, talking to other students: “I totally did a body shot. Did you guys do a body shot?”
The other kids, laughing: “Oh yeah, we all did body shots!”
Mrs. Brigham, growing increasingly disturbed by the conversation: “Kelvin, come here.”
Mrs. Brigham: “What are you guys talking about over there?”
Kelvin: “You could either do a head shot or a body shot for pictures today. We all did body shots.”
Mrs. Brigham: “Oh…”
Kelvin, grinning knowingly: “Why, what did you think a body shot was, Mrs. Brigham?”
Mrs. Brigham, trying not to laugh: “Nothing. Go back to your seat, thank you.”
Timothy has referred to both “discrimigating” and “discrimigation” in his speech about allowing religion into public schools.
In Jesse’s speech about why war isn’t a bad thing: “I will admit that killing is not good, but it is necessary.”
After teasing Sarah for like three consecutive minutes, she got fed up with me and said: “Brigs, I wash my hands with you.”
Me: “I think you mean you wash your hands OF me. Washing your hands WITH me sounds like it would be sort of a tender moment.”
Billy: “My parents said for Easter they’re not going to hide eggs. They’re going to take my cell phone while I’m sleeping and make me look for that instead.”
Terry, giving a persuasive speech about why we shouldn’t be offended by Native American mascots: “Do you think the people at Lucky Charms asked the little gnome people if they’d be offended to put them on their cereal boxes? Of course not.”
From Andrew’s book roundup: “I think America needs more people like this so that’s what my boob will be about.”
From Tony’s short story:
We argued a lot. She was always mad at me.
“Why you always play your video games?”
“That’s what I like to do.”
“I want you to spend time with me.”
“Then grab a controller.”
Wilma used the invented expression, “defeated her into tears,” in her short story, which I absolutely adore.
The fourth sentence in Billy’s short story: “My name is Sean, and I am a drug runner.”
The following are from sophomore persuasive essays (spelling, etc. has not been altered):
“When a shark can’t swim a part in there body literally blows up and they die over a short period of time.”
“Just who was Chief Illiniwek? He was the mascot of the Fighting Illini of Illinois State University.”
“For years, obesity was the number 1 killer of Americans, only succeeded by tobacco.”
“I’m going to tell you what Pit Bulls were breaded for.”
“Because if you are going to teach us about Buddha and the MUSLIMS who hate America and our religion then why can’t are CHILDREN at lest learn of the great battles and events in the bible with shaped the middle east or of the is relights who fought and conquered Muslims and if this sounds new to you then turn and ask a Muslim TERRORIST about how they lost Jerusalem to the is relights or ask them about the tens of thousands of their people David slain.”
David: “So the plant Hermes gives Ulysses to keep him from falling under Circe’s spell, that’s called Moly, right?”
David: “So since that gift came from the gods, can we call it holy Moly?”
Carrie: “Are you reading ‘How to Kill A Mockingbird?’”
Gina, who lost a tooth in the pool during P.E., gave the following note to Coach K. in jest today:
Gina cannot swim today, for she has no more teeth to spare. Also she is on Vicodin, so she will surely drown. Please allow her to pass the class.
Me: “Do any of you guys know what ‘requisite’ means? Where you have you heard that word before?”
Amanda: “Parks and Requisite?”
Me (asking this question again, this time to second block): “Do any of you guys know what ‘requisite’ means? Where you have you heard that word before?”
Elle: “From Mozart?”
Jackson: “That’s a ‘requiem,’ Elle.”
Me: “Oh, yeah, that’s definitely not right.”
Me: “I had a kid last semester spell “Asperger” as though it were something you’d order at a McDonald’s.”
Mike: “No, that would be a McAss Burger.”
The lead from a student’s outrageously wonderful short story: “Megan had caught her parents shooting up heroine again and being the mayor of town and a respected lawyer they told her they would do anything to keep her from telling. So Megan got them to pay for a private week long cruise in the Caribbean seas for her Bobby and Ann in repayment for not turning them into the cops after they promised they would quit shooting up heroine.”
And here’s how it ends (spoiler alert!): “Megan drops to the ground realizing her babies have been stolen and it was Marina who had done it. Megan tells Bobby everything even about Ann, and then Megan realizes well what is a better way to find a mermaid than a mermaid herself. To be continued…”
Terry: “I learned that a lot of people committed suicide when the black market crashed.”
Meghan: “It smells like updog in here.”
Cara: “What’s updog?”
Meghan, raising her hands in the air: “Yes! I did it!”
Cara: “What’s going on right now?”
Harry, a super-super senior, overheard at graduation practice: “Six years of high school is just too much.”
From one of Terry’s personal essays: “Well I’ve worked a few jobs but my latest one really brings filament and its fun because I get to help out little galie.”
And finally, the hardest I laughed all year was during and after this student’s persuasive speech about why we should impeach President Obama. He gave me permission to copy it down verbatim, so what you see here in terms of spelling, capitalization, and grammar have not been altered in any way:
Do you like to have a good person in charge of our country that you can trust? Also be in charge of what goes in our country. And not have to worry about anything. Like the president of the United States. Barack Obama sure isn’t someone we can trust to be in charge of our country. That is why I want to persuade you to impeach our president. We need to get him out of the white house. I’m going to tell you reason why to impeach Obama, what he has done for us, and what he is trying to do today.
The reasons why to impeach Obama Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1961. His father was a black muslim and mothers a white atheist. Obama belongs to a black Nationalist Church in Chicago. He worships Africans. Another thing to think about is that Obama our president doesn’t say the pledge of allegiance. Not only that he doesn’t put his hand over his heart while the national anthem is playing.
Therefore what has Obama done for us. Obama has done nothing for us all he has done is make our school lunches taste bad and made us eat chicken everyday. Nobody likes to eat chicken everyday. Also he has made our lunches smaller and healthier. Which half of the food gets wasted because kid’s don’t eat it. Another reason to impeach our president is because he called Jesus a liar. And made abortion legal.
What is Obama trying to do to help us out more. Well he is trying to band assault rifles their for we can’t go out and kill us some super. Because we wont have a weapon to kill them. Also if he is trying to band weapons we won’t have a self defenses weapon to defend our families. Obama also said he would reduce taxes but they went up not down. He lied to us.
There for we should impeach our president because of the reasons I told you. Also he hasn’t done anything for us. We eat chicken everyday.