Student Quotes, 2012-2013 (Part 1)

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a year since I last posted these, but the time has come once again to enjoy the comedy provided by my students this past year.  I love these kids–I really do–but they say the darndest things.

In case you’re wondering, they do all know and understand that these quotes end up on the internet.  They beg me to read them back to them several times a week.  I’m not laughing at them; I’m laughing at the things they say and write.  And yes, the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Okay, without further ado, here ya go:

Chad: “Did you know you spend ¼ of your life on the toilet?”
Me: “That’s absolutely not true. To spend a quarter of your life on the toilet, you’d have to be in the bathroom like six hours a day.”
Chad: “No, I’m saying like, over time.”

Penny: “Does falumptious mean, like, overweight?”
Me: “You mean voluptuous? No.”

A couple of days ago, one of our social studies teachers told me that he had to explain to his class the difference between being sarcastic and being facetious. Today, I heard Alex and Jenny talking about the difference between being sarcastic and being fascist. He might want to go over that particular lesson again.

From the German teacher:
Today in German class, I ask (in German) “How do you say ‘Germany’ in German?”
Student replies: “Denmark?”
Me: “No. No, that’s not it.”

Becca: “Mr. Brigham, I know this sounds like an excuse but I swear to God it’s the truth.”
Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”
Becca: “I wasn’t able to do any work on my project last night because it took my dad like five hours to load Guild Wars on the computer.”
Me: “Well, that’ll happen. I guess.”

Me: “You want to include as many of the senses as you can in your descriptions, so before I send you home to write that, remind me, how many senses are there?”
George: “Six!”
Me: “That was supposed to be an easy one, bud.”

From another English teacher:
Delia: “I just hate rumors. It’s so hard to tell if things are true or not… know what I mean?”
Mrs. U: “I do. But it’s probably just best to ignore them anyways because kids like to make things up sometimes.”
Delia: “Yeah. But, you know, it’s really hard because last week there was a rumor that Harriet’s friend was dead. You know, Michael? And I just didn’t know if it was true, but I saw him in the hallway. So, that rumor might not be true.”
Mrs. U: “Uh, yeah. You could probably figure that one out since you saw him. It’s probably a pretty good indicator that he is still alive.”
Delia: “True. So how was your weekend?”

From the German teacher:
Student: “Do you think Helen Keller could’ve used Twitter?”

From Travis’s Road Trip project: “Everywhere you turn, from wall to wall, It was filled with old coins, uniforms, model ships, and just about everything you could ever think of that’s navel related.” (Apparently, it’s a military-slash-belly-button museum?)

From the Driver’s Ed teacher:
Billy: “Did we swim today?”
Mr. H: “Yes.”
B: “Swimming’s okay. I don’t mind it.”
H: “Yeah, were lucky to have a pool.”
B: “We used to have a pool. I loved it.”
H: “Above-ground or in-ground?”
B: “Above-ground. My dad needs something he can stand up and drink a beer in.”

Solomon: “Is conceiveiation a word?”
Me, laughing: “You’re thinking of conception.”

From the Spanish teacher:
Meghan: “I am definitely going to get my bachelorette’s degree.”
Erin: “Don’t you mean your bachelor’s degree?”

From Adam’s abortion essay: “By the age of 25, one out of every three women will have an abortion, medically. That doesn’t seem like a high number, but if put in percentage with every woman someone has met (or will meet) in your lifetime, at least 40% of them have had an abortion.”

The very first sentence of Matt’s abortion essay: “Many people get knocked up by either personal choice or forced.”

Solomon’s abortion essay: “However there is the occasional case of ‘pasture breeding’ which is the act of fornicating in which the woman gets pregnant and the man is never seen again, and the guy is usually trash, or the woman.”

From Phil’s elegy, which is this very serious poem about someone close to him who died:

“My Grandpa passed away December 3, 2008.
He passed away because he had alshymers
Or however you spell it,
For a while and it took a great man’s life.”

Jenny, writing about her heritage, stated that one side of her family derives from “Blackfoot Sue.” She extrapolated by saying “Blackfoot Sue” is an Indian tribe. As in “Sioux.” Oops. I wonder if Blackfoot Sue is friends with Shy Anne?

From Matt’s narrative essay following our interviews at the nursing home: “Our class is reading a book called Tuesdays with Morrie and it teaches us about life lessons and the importance of ‘love, family, faith, community, money, satisfaction with your job, forgiveness, dealing with death, or something else.’ These subjects are what I wanted to get out of Ms. Lawson before I had to leave her presents.”

(First of all, he quoted ME from the assignment sheet I gave them, and second of all, I’m pretty sure he meant “presence,” but I suppose I can’t prove that he didn’t leave Ms. Lawson a gift…)

From Solomon’s narrative essay (the same assignment): “Our job was to interview some old folk that still had some fire left. We had to ask some questions pertaining to life and try squeezing them like an orange for knowledge.”

(So we were apparently violently interrogating them, not asking them friendly questions?)

From Derek’s narrative essay: “Her son Christopher was out hunting one day and was in a tree. He was tied on to the tree with a rope to prevent him falling. Well he fell out of the tree and the rope got raped around his neck.”

Trevor, writing a simile for the poetry test: “As frightened as a dog caught in somebody’s garbage.” Because we all know how scary that can be.

George on the same test: “As frightened as an obviously gay man in a church, in Kentucky.”

From a hypothetical professional email Taylor wrote and sent to me: “I have not received the item I ordered from you. I ordered it two months ago, 9/10/12, I paid sixty-five dollars for a collection of Angles.”

A week after our Spanish teacher had a student naively submit a picture of KY personal lubricant labeled as “perfume” en espanol, she had this happen:

Yesterday, my 8th grade students were practicing how to say body parts by making an “alien” out of various magazine pictures. One girl had a confused look on her face as she was looking through her magazine, when she asked: “Mrs. C., what’s Levitara?”

I wasn’t sure what Levitara was, so I looked over her shoulder and of course to my horror, it wasn’t Levitara… it was Levitra. I told her it’s medicine for your heart and to just keep working.

James, appearing in a veteran’s day video because he’s headed for the Army next year: “Veteran’s Day is important because you’ve got people over there dying, and I want to be a part of that.”

Solomon: “Does Indy Rock mean, like, Hindus sing it?”
Me: “Are you being serious?”
Solomon, defensively: “Well, I don’t know what Indy Rock is!”

Kristy: “I’m not addicted to Pinterest; I just look at it all the time.”

Amie, talking to another student while looking at her new class ring: “I just feel like I got ripped off by Jostens, because this ring cost like hundreds of dollars and the gems aren’t even real.”
The kid she was talking to: “Yes they are, Amie.”
Amie: “Well, somebody told me that they weren’t.”
Kid: “That’s why it cost hundreds of dollars.”
Amie: “Oh.”

From one of Wanda’s short stories: “The French style café was covered in pictures of the Iffle Tower…”

George using the word “embroil” (which means “to involve in an argument”) in a sentence: “The king asked for his lobster to be embroiled before he ate it.”

That’s all of them for today, but parts 2 and 3 will be coming soon!

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