It’s everybody’s favorite time of year: stupid student quotes! The names have been changed to protect the under-18, but enjoy!
Chandra’s sample sentence for negligible: “Oboration is a major decision in someone’s life.”
Brian: “Mr. Brigham? Would it be okay if instead of putting my name on my papers, I just put the Batman symbol and you could just know that it was mine?”
Me, laughing: “No.”
Carly, answering a question on an English test: “She was going to make him look like a human bean.”
Some of Dave’s racist and insensitive gems from a test about the book “Monster” and the movie “Boyz N Da Hood”:
Q: Describe in as much details as you can the crime that has taken place and of which Steve is allegedly a part.
Doug’s Answer: “A group of sketchy coloreds rob a drug store.”
Q: Brandi, Tre’s girlfriend, is a minor character but really seems to be a nice person. Aside from that, how else does she help Tre get through his hard times?
Doug’s Answer: “Sex.”
From Travis’s persuasive essay about getting a later curfew: “It’s not like your kids have ever come home with anything bad like a dead cat or dog or have even done anything remotely that bad.”
“It clearly says in the second amendment that we have the right to bear arms.”
-Ron’s persuasive essay. (Those are better than T-Rex arms, I guess).
“Guns of all kinds are inadament objects.”
-More from Ron. (I’d argue that some guns are, in fact, pretty assertive.)
From Kirbs, the Home Ec teacher, on “Halloween Day” during Homecoming Week:
Vicki comes busting into my room this morning in a very frantic manner….
Vicki: “Do you have a cape in here?!”
Kirbs: “Uh, what? No, sorry kiddo, no capes here.”
Vicki:”Well I really need one for my costume today and my brother told me I could find one here.”
Kirbs: “Sorry, no capes in the Foods room.”
I thought I heard Jared say a curse word, for which the punishment in my class is pushups.
Me: “Ten push-ups, Jared.”
Jared: “I didn’t cuss!”
Everybody else: “He really didn’t.”
Me: “Thought I heard a cuss word, my fault.”
Jared: “It’s okay. I can’t do push-ups anyway.”
Me: “Why not?”
Jared: “Because I have a bad shoulder. I really do, and I really can’t do pushups.”
Someone else: “Then you’ll have to do sit-ups if you ever get caught cussing.”
Jared: “No, I can’t do those either?”
Me: “Why not?”
Jared: “I have a weak stomach.”
Jared: “I’m not generally in favor of tattoos, but have you seen that guy who got tattoos and facial implants and stuff to look like a tiger? I’ve thought about doing that.”
From a quiz over Poe’s “Masque of the Red Death”
Question: What color were the walls and windows in the room everybody was afraid to visit?
Correct answer: Everything was black except the windows, which were red.
Jay’s answer: Velvet.
Question: What happens to Prince Prospero at the end of the story?
Correct answer: He is killed by the Red Death.
Sheri’s answer: He is killed and taken to jail.
From art teacher Traci Manning, who started working at a different school this year but still keeps in touch with the occasional student gem:
We are starting our calligraphy project, and I did my whole deal and told them to bring in part of a saying or song or poem. One of my special ed kids asks if he can make one up. Sure, I say. He shows it to me, and I can only read the first two lines because I’m afraid I’m going to laugh out loud, so I just tell him that will be fine. His name is Jimmy.
“Jimmy is a beast. Jimmy is a beast.”
She’d send us the rest of the poem later in the week:
Jimmy is a beast. Jimmy is a beast.
Jimmy is so cool yeah yeah
Jimmy has the cool-is friends
say what yeah you hear me.
Jared, to Andy, who’s using scissors to cut a loose string off his shirt: “What are you doing?”
Andy: “What do you mean, what am I doing?”
Jared, after a beat: “I don’t know if I can make that any clearer.”
From Ron’s transcendentalism paper: “Chris McCandless adventured into the great white north and lived there completely on his own, until he ate some poison barriers and that ended it for him.”
From Dustin’s: “They formed what has become a widespread religion, mostly because they wanted to get away from consecutive Puritanism.”
Jared: “I wouldn’t say we’re arch-nemeses. I mean, I like Kevin and everything. Well… okay, I like Kevin, but I don’t like him a lot. I’ll put it this way. I need Kevin.”
“Who I Want to Meat”
-The title of one of Jay’s blog entries
Teri: “Rapper has two p’s in it, right? I don’t want to write that I want to be a famous raper.”
Without provocation, Sally offered up this little story today. Keep in mind that there was no warm-up for this conversation, just boom, here ya go, Brigs:
Sally: “My friend’s dad finally got his ring off his finger.”
Me: “Okay… why was her dad trying to take his ring off?”
Sally: “To get it resized.”
Me: “I guess that makes sense.”
Sally: “Yeah, apparently it took a lot of olive oil and a certain type of gel you probably don’t want to know about to get it off.”
Me: “That’s a good story.”
Sally, silent, nods her head and wanders away…
From Marshall’s abortion essay: “I think it’s a life when it comes out of the whom or you name it. I do not think when it’s all goo-like it’s considered a life. When it has at least one foot it is considered a life.”
Dylan: “I’m pretty sure Chip ‘n Dale dancers have been around since like the 1860s.”
How does Nick spell the word “miserable”? Like this: “mizzuruble.”
A gem from Hewitt, teaching middle school P.E.:
8th grader Kyle: Mr. Hewitt, you ever had polio?
Me: Nope, got vaccinated for that as a baby.
Kyle: You ever had black plague?
Me: Nope, I’m clean.
Sally walks into class absolutely irate, slams her binder onto her desk, and slumps down into her chair.
Me: “Something eatin’ atcha, kiddo?”
Sally: “Samuel drives me crazy sometimes.”
Me: “Well, brothers have a way of doing that sometimes. What’d he do?”
Sally: “He’s been wearing my father’s boots lately.”
Me, not seeing what is so anger-inducing about this: “Okay?”
Sally, really getting worked up: “He says they’re too heavy, so he’s been compensating by lengthening his stride.”
Me, trying really hard not to sound condescending: “Oh, yeah. Well… yeah, I can see how could be frustrating.”
We’re reading “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” in English 4 Life, so in their first worksheet I asked them to look up “perk” and “wallflower” in the dictionary, then tell me what the title suggested the book may be about. A couple of them kind of missed the point:
Jordan: Perk = to raise. Wallflower = bloom. What will the book be about? Sex and drugs.
Brandy: Perk = to be raised really good and be smart in appearance. Wallflower = different number of flowers in any color. What will the book be about? Someone being raised really good and has a family member who plants flowers.
From Kirbs, the Home Ec. Teacher:
My kids are working on making paper bag puppets for something in our Child Development unit. I tell Hannah, “What a beautiful little puppet you have, he kinda looks like you.” Her response, “Uh. He’s a pedophile.”
I’ve got plenty more, just head back in a couple days for more goodies!