Student Quotes, 2010-2011

Brie: “I can’t have Jell-O.”
Me: “Why not?”
Brie: “Because I’m really allergic to dairy.”
Me: “I think you’re thinking of pudding. There’s no dairy in Jell-O.”
Brie, looking doubtful: “Are you sure?”

Dylan: “You know what’s the best kind of exercise there is? Hardcore dancing.”

From Traci Manning, the art teacher:

We’re drawing portraits, and they have a photo of someone they want to draw. Austin chose Gandhi.

Mallory: “Oh my gosh, how old is he?”
Austin: “I dunno. Probably 50.”

Alexis: “Mr. Brigham, look what Justin did to my hair! There’s pencil shavings all over the place!”
Me: “Okay…”
Justin, her older brother, grinning mischievously: “I didn’t physically touch her.”
Alexis, fed up, announces to the entire class: “When Justin was six years old, he spent three days in the hospital for gas pains. Three days. And they gave him morphine. For gas pains.”

Justin: “I miss the Crocodile Hunter. I haven’t seen him on TV in a while.”
Mitchell: “That’s because he’s dead, you idiot.”

From Cody’s persuasive essay about curfew:

“Kids have a higher chance of being kidnapped at night when they are at their most venerable.”

“Kids have more to worry about than just getting hurt. They could also get rapped.”

Taylor: “Did you hear some church is suing IHOP?”
Liz: “What?! But Jesus loves pancakes!”

Brie: “Elton John is old.”
Dylan: “Hey! Elton John is gay and wonderful. Rocketman!”

Me: “Luckily, I’m never going to go bald. There’s no baldness anywhere in my family for several generations.”
Eric: “Not me. Both my grandpas went bald after they got cancer.”
Dylan: “That’s like saying you’re going to go bald because your grandpa shaved his head.”

Natalie: “There’s an ‘n’ in ‘autumn’”?

Richard: “Mr. Brigham, what was the name of the main girl in that story we just read, ‘A Rose for Emily’”?
(I just smile in silence.)
Richard: “Was it Emily?”

Me: “I need a good trivia question about Ancient China. Kali, give me a good little bit of trivia about Ancient China.”
Kali: “Um… What continent is it on?”

I have no idea what the context of this conversation was, but all I heard from across the room was Drew say, “Yeah, but what if you gave a midget a sniper rifle?”

Autumn, in the “Skills and Accomplishments” section of her senior year resume: “I dissected a frog in 7th grade.”

Me, seeing Chase limping down the hallway: “You limping, buddy?”
Chase, somberly, over his shoulder as he trudges tenderly past: “Yeah. I did some groin exercises in P.E. today that my body wasn’t ready for.”

From Traci Manning:
Jack asks me what my plans are this weekend. I tell him that my husband & I are going to dinner to celebrate my birthday.
Jack: “Is it going to be sensual?”
Me (choking): “I don’t think that’s any of your business, Jack.”
Jack: “Oh, ok.”
Me: “Do you know what sensual means?”
Jack: “I think so.”
Me: “Did you mean sentimental?”
Jack: “Maybe.”

Brandon: “I’ve been on fire 87 times, but only 7 of those times were my fault.”

Sam: “Don’t worry, Brigs. Grant gets really defensive about everything.”
Grant, defensively: “I do not!”

From Kelly’s persuasive essay: “Alcohol should be banned. Get rid of the drinking alcohol. Yes, the crimes will sky-rocket. But isn’t it worth it? Isn’t it worth protecting our young from the claws of the dangerous alcohol? More and more bodies are being buried from car crashes, bar fights, and other major fights of the drunk, murder, and other disturbing incidents or accidents that alcohol causes.”

And: “Having liver cancer is a slow but surely death, caused from long-term possibly hard liquor.”

From Katie’s essay: “Hemp is considered not smoke able but echo-friendly and cheap.”

And: “Around every person in the United States will know at least one person that will smoke marijuana. About 75% of Americans will try marijuana and half of those people will continue to use marijuana every day.”

(According to my calculations, that means well over a third of Americans smoke pot every day. Considering that current data shows only about 20% of Americans smoke cigarettes on a daily basis, I’d say Miss Ryder aimed a little “high” there…)

I noticed that Hannah had what appeared to be a pretty cool looking t-shirt on underneath a zip-up hoody, but because the words were mostly covered I asked her what it said.
Hannah: “It says ‘Modest is Hottest.’”
Me: “And you’re so proud of that fact that you modestly covered up 80% of those words up with your sweatshirt.”

Sarah, struggling with one of her yearbook pages: “What would you say an administrator does? They administrate. No, that sounds funny…”

From Miles’s transcendentalism paper: “Michael Jackson’s ‘Earth Song’ is commenting on our destruction of nature and the lack of peace that we’ve all claimed to support for so long, but continually prevent through fighting and war. Fortunately this is all fixable, as the music video shows that Michael Jackson’s signing has the power to raise trees.”

From Kayla’s transcendentalism paper: “Transcendentalism is still around in today’s society, and will continue to be around because I have a feeling that people will love the world more and more, day by day, similar to the hippies.”

Brandon, as I sit next to him in the computer lab on St. Patrick’s day: “If you pinch me, I swear to God I’ll punch you.”
Me: “What? Why are you threatening me with physical violence right now?”
Brandon: “I’m aware I’m not wearing green, and if one more person pinches me, I’m going to punch them.”
Me: “I’m not going to pinch you, bud. I promise.”
Brandon: “I got kicked out of school once for punching a kid in the nose on the St. Patrick’s day.”
Me: “Because he pinched you.”
Brandon: “Yup. And I had my steel knuckles back then, too.”
Me: “Yikes.”

From Grant’s slave narrative: “I opened one of the crates and found what looked like red sticks. I knows what dey was cause ma old massa had some imself an I had asked wat dey was. It was trinitrotoluene or TNT for short. I also finds a crate of turpentine, a highly flammable liquid.”

(Is it me, or is this slave alternating between genius and borderline retarded a little too fluidly?)

Then: “Iza running to the area where the boat was stored when I pass the massa’s Ford, and I lights the last bomb. Then I hear BOOM BOOM BOOM, just a mass of deafening explosions. We sees metal parts flyin everywhere and one of the other slaves says, that musta been massa’s Ford.”

(Because cars existed in the 1830’s. For the record, Henry Ford was born in 1863 and started his automotive company in 1902).

From Kelsey’s slave narrative: “We planned to go on the Underground Railroad and meet Harriet Tubman. Word round the slaves is that she can get you to the north with no trouble. Harriet met me and Xavier under an abandoned house, and there it was, our road to freedom. We walked for hours until we came above ground and a carriage was waiting for us.”

(No, the Underground Railroad was not literally an underground railroad. You’d think that at 16 years old, they’d have been taught this at some point…)

We’re discussing a F.E.W. Harper poem called “Double Standard,” and we got discussing how when men get a lot of girls, they’re considered studs, and how when women get a lot of men, they’re considered hookers. I asked why that was the case, and Jordon’s arm shot right up:

Me: “Yeah, Jordon?”
Jordon: “It’s like this—if you’ve got a key that opens up a whole bunch of different locks, you’d consider that a pretty awesome key. But if you’ve got a lock that can be opened by a bunch of a different keys, that’s a pretty crappy lock.”

One of Mrs. Uhlman’s students who I don’t know: “I want to go to Key West.”
Jesse: “Ooh, isn’t that in Mexico?”
Student: “No, it’s in Florida.”
Jesse: “Well, it’s basically the same thing. I mean, they’re neighbors.”

Me, correcting a kid who screwed up the rhyme: “No, it’s ‘April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?”
Several students shout out: “Pilgrims!”
Ben: “Yeah, but what do pilgrims bring?”
Sam: “Disease and death.”

Grant: “Mr. Brigham, I can’t find any database articles that talk about what cholera actually does to people.”
Sam: “Isn’t cholera that thing that makes babies cry all the time?”
Me: “Nope, that’s colic. But you were close, I guess.”

From Reese’s short story: “Mark didn’t think he could push himself anymore. It felt like his lunges were going to collapse. In fact, he wouldn’t have been surprised if his lunges just stopped working completely.”

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One thought on “Student Quotes, 2010-2011

  1. Jordon’s analogy for studs versus hookers is awesome. I hadn’t heard that one before but I’m stealing it. Thanks for publishing these. They’re a nice read at this time of year.

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