Student Quotes, 2007-2008

With the 2007-2008 school year all but over, it’s time to post my annual list of silly things my students have said. Some of these, as always, are pretty darn hilarious. Enjoy!

“After years of the case, they finally tested the sperm found from the crime scene for DNA. The DNA turned out to be a male.”
-a student’s FBI Dossier paper

“I wanted to be a vegetarian this last summer, but my dad wouldn’t let me.”
– Darci

Michael: “What are you guys talking about?”
Darci: “None of your business. This is an A-B-C conversation.”
Justine: “Already Been Chewed?”
Me: “I think she means, ‘This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it.’ “
Darci: “Oh. Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

Me: “Other than the word ‘romantic’ meaning ‘lovey-dovey,’ what else could it mean?”
Darci: “Is it like when my grandma tells my grandpa to stop getting fresh with her?”

Jordan: “That character in the story died of epidemic.”
Me: “No, she died of epilepsy. But you were close.”

From Becky (another teacher in the department):
I am giving background info on the construction of the Berlin Wall on Monday. One girl raises her hand and says: “So, where does Gandhi fit into this?”

Jordan: “Didn’t the slaves invent the Big Dipper for the Underground Railroad?”

Ethan, reading a copy of my magazine: “I wish I could be cool like Brigs and write an article for a magazine.”
Travis: “I just wish I could write complete sentences with periods and stuff.”

Me: “Does anyone know how Stonewall Jackson got his nickname?”
Alissa: “Isn’t it because he sat funny, like a wall?”
Me: “What does that even mean?”

Tiffany, in the midst of discussing Harriet Tubman: “I thought she was the one who refused to sit on the bus?”

Ryan: “Hey Brigs, what’s the word for scaredness?”
Me: “You mean fear?”
Ryan: “Fear!”

Me: “Okay Beau, let’s say that your best friend told you he was gay. Would you still be friends with him?”
Beau, a very serious homophobe: “Well, I don’t know. Probably. I couldn’t just stop being friends with him.”
Me: “But you’d still hang out with him, though, right?”
Beau, totally serious: “Yeah of course. But there’d have to be a supervisor.”

Me: “Who found a connection for the simile, people are like stars?”
Megan: “People are like stars—sometimes they get shot.”

Some of Becky’s annual Columbus quotes:

“He is Shakespeare from olden London.”

“From the looks of the guy he looks like he could at least be a class one or class two in the social classes.”

“He does not look like he is married and if he was then his wife either died or left him.”

“He is wearing a wig because his hairline is really far back on his head or it is reseeding.”

A student’s test response about the Declaration of Independence: “The king of England allowed slavery. He also highered the taxes of Americans.”

Me: “Adam has gotten a lot bigger and stronger since freshman year. He’s not on HGH, is he?”
Jared Mugler: “I have ADHD.”
Me: “Not the same thing, buddy.”

Me: “So in Leaves of Grass, Whitman believes that when you die, you decompose into the soil and become part of the earth. It’s kind of this Circle of Life thing—that if you can become the nutrients that become the grass, you can live forever.”
Sami, totally serious: “So what happens when you mow the lawn?”

One student, in answering a test question about Longfellow’s “A Psalm of Life,” gave an interesting dyslexic response to a question that should’ve been answered, “Be not like dumb, driven cattle.” Instead, he gave, “Be not like drunk drivin cattle.” Yup, mind those inebriated bovine drivers!

“Velocial Raptors”
-One senior’s spelling of “velociraptors”

Some goof-ups from my English 2 kids’ Civil War letters:

Garrett: “I feel that the South is about to claim its own independents.” On what? Their 1860 tax returns?

Joe: “They then surrenderendered on the 13th day of December.” Doesn’t he mean the 13th day of Decemberember?

Ori: “My grandparents don’t like it when I wear my dirty baseball hat. They say it’s diminutive to my character.”
Me: “They actually used those words?”
Ori: “Not exactly, but they told me I looked like a vagabond.”

Megan, a Creative Writing student, does some very strange hiccup thing, and I say: “What was that?”
Megan: “It was one of those things, like, you know when you inhale air?”
Noah: “You mean like breathing?”

Noah, in an assignment where he was asked to guess where the phrase “Get Off Your High Horse” comes from:

“Back in the ‘60s, hippies were rampant and they believed in free love and flowers and all that crap. What most people don’t know is that hippies loved horses and would let the horses experiment with drugs. So whenever a hippie, thinking they were all pure and better than normal people, came riding up on their stoned horse, they of course would hear something like, ‘Get off your high horse!’”

Me: “So Ethan, you got a big date for prom this weekend?”
Ethan: “You know it! I got her a crochet and everything.”
Me: “A crochet?”
Ethan: “Wait… Crochet is that thing old people sew with. What do they call it then? The flowers that go on your wrist?”
Me: “A corsage, you mean?”
Ethan: “Yeah! A corsage!”

As Bill Simmons would say, Yup, these are my students…

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